FAKE NEWS!
F**K THIS is what my body was saying as I lay on the couch having an argument with myself over either going for a run or going back to sleep to shut down the suffering inside my mind. My body was sick and tired of the lies I had been telling myself for 30 years. I glossed over everything with a shiny facade; I wasn't fully acknowledging the dark corners of my past, and I wasn't ready to embrace little Kim with tenderness. It was much easier to stuff emotions down, go back to sleep or show the world I didn't need anyone and that I was living a dream life; ALL FAKE NEWS! Does any of this sound familiar?
The photo above is me before I woke up and finally started being truthful with myself, embarking on self-love and rebuilding my life; the image below is me today, full of love and energy, offering a space of loving presence for all folks who come to Ellasfield. Do you see the difference?
There was a whole chunk of years when I couldn't even face going to feed the horses that I loved or meeting up with a friend. There was such a strong resistance to doing anything that involved going out into the world; I felt paralysed with fear and unable to trust myself to do anything but sleep. Endless hours I would lay there, the guilt, shame and anxiety flooding my nervous system. After years of abuse and neglect, I had overloaded my systems. I was in a shutdown response; my body was saying, f**k this (in a loving, kind way!) to the character I had been playing for the last 30 years and taking refuge in a depression or a 'deep rest', which is what depression is. I remember having a tiny little glimmer of insight one day, and rather than beating myself up with my harsh internal voice, I realised that the sleep I craved was a period of recovering, like a caterpillar in the stage of pre-metamorphosis and that I had to go with what my body needed which eased my guilt somewhat, but still, a sense of self-loathing lurked in the darkness.
I had reached a period in my life where my body couldn't take the battering I was giving it. Over the years, there have been drugs, alcohol, and harsh physical exercise. I felt detached from my body, but I started to listen to the physical and autoimmune health issues that gradually crept up on me.
It wasn't until I committed to a daily (albeit miniscule some days!) yoga practice and found the right mentor with no judgements or agenda that I cultivated a loving relationship with myself and my body.
The mysterious autoimmune responses and the aches and pains my body used to communicate with me acted as a turning point in my life. I am genuinely grateful for it now, but at the time, it was a wretched, self-loathing place to be.
As I came to my yoga mat each day, sometimes begrudgingly, I might add, something magical started to emerge from the darkness and the pains within my body - over the first two weeks, resistance and emotions arose together; I began to cry and laugh, sometimes together then slowly I felt a loving presence immerge from within myself - wow what was this feeling? It was new to me. For the first time in my life, I felt I could be the one that could hold the darkness I had been hiding from for over 30 years, either dumbing down with drugs and alcohol or distracting myself with work, shopping and failed relationships. Writing this all down is another reminder of how far we can come with love and kindness, which are the cornerstones of what I offer clients today.
I have learnt that nurturing a daily routine fosters a kinder way of relating to yourself. My commitment to a daily movement practice, whether for 5 minutes or 30, provided breathing space and a few moments to be with the real me. My nervous system started to regulate, and I slowly cultivated a new way of relating to myself. I began to 'feel' rather than unthinkingly react, which had far-reaching effects on my life and relationships with my partner and children and ultimately led to a richer and more meaningful life. Then, once my life energy increased, I rediscovered the ways of my grandmother, who had a deep love and respect for nature, which guided me to a more animistic approach to relating to the world around me.
By adopting this new way of relating to myself and the natural world, I have created a life that inspires me. Through my daily yoga and meditation practice, I have purified my system from unhealthy patterns and behaviours and realised that we don't have to be victims of circumstance—we can create our own beautiful circumstances!
Ask yourself a couple of questions to start a gentle enquiry ~
How do you talk to yourself when you are feeling overwhelmed or anxious?
Do you feel guilty when you feel you need rest?
Do you have a resistance to the words 'self-love'?
I would love to hear what some of your answers were and how you feel about asking yourself these questions. Feel free to get in touch and find out how we can start the process of self-love together. This is your life with your unique set of circumstances, but some folks have done the work to transform their own wounds into the light that supports others, and who knows, I might be that person for you!
We offer a range of therapies and sessions, from 1:1 equine sessions to Shamanic Healing and Cacao Ceremonies and more immersive retreats in the West Sussex countryside.
Email ellasfield@icloud.com or call 07990 511250 to book a free phone chat and let’s discuss how we could work together
